I had bad anxiety in my second year of university, and quite bad anxiety in my final year, and I've been recovering ever since, that's why I've been chilling and not working much. But its been a journey, its taught me about the nature of fear and the nature of myself as a human with my mind body and soul. I can feel the anxiety slowly leaving my body and mind, soon I'll be totally good, but the important part is that the process is underway because the understanding of my state has come.
So heres some of my opinion on the nature of myself...
Theres me (my awareness/soul/spirit) theres my thoughts and theres my body. Thoughts are your conditioning, and when these thoughts are there they bring emotions with them.
So I've had anxious thoughts and anxious emotions in my body. But the thoughts aren't as simple as language thoughts, they are a reaction. So theres a situation and then the reaction. My anxiety works by having the anxiety in my body which I hate, and then subsequently react to, in an anxious way, which creates a self perpetuating cycle which means I'm always a little or alot anxious.
That is pure conditioning, which we all have in different forms, mine was just mainly anxious. We're like computers with different programming/wiring.
One question is, how do I get certain conditioning, and how do I then leave conditioning behind, which does not suit me.
So heres some of my opinion on the nature of myself...
Theres me (my awareness/soul/spirit) theres my thoughts and theres my body. Thoughts are your conditioning, and when these thoughts are there they bring emotions with them.
So I've had anxious thoughts and anxious emotions in my body. But the thoughts aren't as simple as language thoughts, they are a reaction. So theres a situation and then the reaction. My anxiety works by having the anxiety in my body which I hate, and then subsequently react to, in an anxious way, which creates a self perpetuating cycle which means I'm always a little or alot anxious.
That is pure conditioning, which we all have in different forms, mine was just mainly anxious. We're like computers with different programming/wiring.
One question is, how do I get certain conditioning, and how do I then leave conditioning behind, which does not suit me.
The answer seems to be association. When we associate ourselves with, actually, absolutely anything, that thing becomes a part of us, it becomes like a program in our computer, in ourselves.
The next question is, whats this association? What is its nature? It's where one is in a reactive relationship with something. If one can not observe something such as a thought or emotion without reacting to it, one has an association with it. Even if one reacts in a way which says "no, that's not me, I don't like that", then there is still an association, and there is also a creation. You have created another association, a "no, that's not me, I don't like that" association with that very reactive thought.
The key to disassociation, to unconditioning, is non reaction, is letting things be. So even if your filled with horrible things, like bad thoughts and emotion, the only way to be free of those things is by that process of non association/reaction - by letting things be. So theres a thought, and instead of ignoring it, or saying "stay away from me you bad thought", and creating a new problem/thing in yourself, you say "OK, that's cool, you are as you are". You let it be. You watch it, you let it be itself, whether it is bad or good or whatever, but it is. It has nothing to do with you, it is like it is its own life, so reacting to it makes it part of you. When you look at something inside yourself, like thought and emotion, and you feel and experience it, you can decide whether to have it as part of yourself or not, by whether you associate or not.
So that's me for now, I'm leaving behind what i don't need :)